Missing you

Missing you is like not drinking water for ages when you’re thirsty

Missing you is like smoking after drinking orange juice

Missing you is like the feeling you get before an anxiety attack

Missing you is like filling my lungs with gas when there’s air everywhere around me

Missing you is like sniffing cocaine instead of your scent

Missing you is like waiting for a rainbow in a sunny day

Missing you is like writing with red ink when blue is my favorite

Missing you is like knowing i’ve lost something that won’t come back, but i wait anyways

Missing you is like drawing with blood instead of water colors

Missing you is like puking poison instead of anything else

Missing you is like drowning even though i’m not under water

Missing you is like dying a hundred times and still being able to breathe

Missing you is like laying on my death bed and not dying.

Missing you is terrible, i shouldn’t be missing you, but i guess i am.

 

-q.d

Boredom Creation

I’m tired of being hurt

and fed up of being burnt

I can’t swim in this ocean

I keep drowning with no motion

 

People say I’m gonna be okay

I’m afraid I’ll always feel this way

“I’m here for you” they say

I see them leaving later that day

 

People come and go

but memories stay the same

I’m losing my mind I’m becoming paranoid

I can’t feel anything and I can’t hear my voice

 

I’m still okay, you say?

But I confess my loneliness, dear

then you see how broken I am here

and you want to save me but I can’t be saved

 

Why did you think I was happy?

is it that I’m good at pretending?

 

I stare at my coffee in the morning

I see my reflection in it, and I hate it

even though I never take the final look in the mirror

because I poked a hole in the wall

with my weak hands before I fall

 

I rised again in the morning

wishing I was still sleeping

instead of drinking my coffee

I decided to close my eyes and enter my mind

it was dark and empty, just a blank space

I took a look then I saw your face

you existed everywhere, even in my place

I wish you didn’t though, it’s an awful race.

-q.d

“Our generation”

Long sleeves

empty veins,

marked wrists

broken hearts,

dark thoughts

scary minds,

that’s us teenagers

even on celebrations,

don’t know what we do

or who we trust,

we overreact

and get numb,

we get high

then go down,

we get hurt

then move on,

we break more hearts

and pretend to be fine,

we wear black

and imagine rainbows,

we fight

but we lose,

we wish

but we don’t do,

they tell us to live

but we survive,

they judge us

but we don’t care,

we have messy minds

but we see, we feel, we break down in tears and we cry, we get in fights and we destroy our lungs, we live in a generation that is fake, we want to be happy but we don’t decide, we fail our classes but we try, we will never be cool enough because we’re cold, we would kill ourselves but we fail to, and again

we have dark thoughts, dangerous places to hide, monsters inside of us scream loud, we go deaf but we still hear, we go blind but we still see, they leave us with scars but we survive, this is our generation, dead on the inside.

~q.d

A book i’ll never write.

“You know what the second terrible  thing is that comes after being heart-broken by the one you love?”

“What?”

“Being ignored.”

–a beautiful mess

“someday”

I want someone to look at me in the eye and tell me it’ll be fine

I want someone to hold my hand and tell me it’ll be alright

I’m losing the battle because my demons are stronger

But i want someone to help me fight so i don’t feel alone

I want to be strong again and keep fighting

But god, there are days that i feel so weak and are terrifying

These monsters are slowly taking my place

But i can’t push them away, they’re stronger than me

Some people call it depression but some others call it attention seeking

I would call it attention but can’t you see that i’m sinking?

No matter how many pages i write i won’t be able to put my feelings into words

Because i feel hopeless and helpless

I feel worthless and careless

I feel sad and damaged

I feel broken and unwanted

I just feel so many things all at once

But i wish i didn’t because this doesn’t feel good

I want to feel happy once in my life

I want to know what happiness feels like

I want to know what having someone by your side feels like

I want to know what “alright” feels like

I just want to be fine, why is it so hard

I want to live carelessly and happily

I want to forget the feeling of being annoying and unwanted

I want to know what a real smile feels like

I want to know what falling in love with the right person feels like

But i guess i’ll never be able to

Because they say the first person to love you truly is yourself

And i can’t love myself no matter how hard i try

I’m used to living with my flaws i know

I’m used to hating my body image i know

I’m used to cursing at myself in the mirror everyday, i know

I know all that, i know i won’t be able to fall in love with myself because i’ve never found something so special about me to love.

I’ve never found something so cool about me to care about

I’ve just learnt to hate my own body

I’ve learnt to destroy myself slowly each day

I’ve learnt to cut my skin deeper each day

i’ve learnt to crying myself to sleep at night

I’ve learnt to lock my door and shut myself in all the time

I’ve learnt to push people out without trying to let them in

I’ve learnt to deal with the hate i get from others because i, myself, hate my own existence

But it’s okay

I know someday i’ll learn how to love myself with the scars on my body

I will learn how to love myself with the bruises on my body

I will learn to love the stretches on my body

I will learn to love how my thighs touch

I will learn to love the girl i see in the mirror

I will learn to love my bare face

i will learn to love myself

Maybe not today, but someday,

I will try to keep this hope with me, i will try to make it stay

I will try to let people in, i will try to behave

I will try to control my anger, i will try to be nice

I will try to stay positive, i will try to live.

~q.d

“Smaller and smaller”

I was a cigarette,
but she was a vapor
I was just a pill,
but she was cocaine
I was a nanosecond,
but she was a year
I was a piece of sugar,
but she was a candy shop
I was a page,
but she was a whole book
I was a picture,
but she was an artist
I was fire,
but she was a volcano
I was a star,
but she was the galaxy
I was a butterfly,
but she was an eagle
I was a rose,
but she was a garden

I was everything simple,
but she was not.

I was a song,
she was an album

I realized that i'm never the first choice, or option, i was always the second one, or maybe even the last one.

But i'm just me, and that's all i can be
I'm just a small star, from the whole universe.

~q.d

“The nights”

Have you ever had one of those nights,

where nothing feels right?

When you can’t find any reasons for your sadness?

When literally everything bothers you?

When you feel numb, you can’t feel your heartbeats, when you feel like you’re on the edge of giving up?

When your thoughts are so dark, darker than your room when all your lights are off, when the monsters inside your head take your emotions away, you’re not sure how you feel?

Ever had one of those nights where you felt like your skin was a paper? So you cut it deep, deeper than an ocean, so deep that you start seeing your bones and finally feeling your veins?

When you feel like tying a rope around your neck and it will all be over soon? Where you feel like taking your own life away will help you escape from this world?

Ever had one of those nights where you can’t find anyone by your side? Where you’re all alone, locked in your room, crying in a corner and waiting for a reply from that one person?

Have you ever had one of those nights where you look or wait for someone to hold your hand, hug you, and make you feel alright? Tell you that it’ll be okay, and that you’ll be fine?

I guess all of us have had one of those nights.

But the truth is,

there is always someone who is looking for you

there is always someone that is willing to live the rest of their lives with you

there is always someone that is missing you like crazy but you never notice

there is always someone that wants your happiness more than theirs

there is always someone that wants to see you happy.

And, there is always someone that is watching over you to make sure you’re perfectly fine.

There will always be someone that will hug you so tight, so all your broken pieces stick up together again and build you up, help you recover and stay there no matter what.

There will always be someone ready to give their life up for you, to make you happy, to make you feel okay, and to make you smile.

You just have to look at the bright side, stay positive.

–a beautiful mess.

 

“What if”

~

What do you think about when you can’t sleep at night?

When “what if”s eat your brain?

What if your best friend betrayed you?

What if your parents don’t accept you?

What if your teacher hates you?

What if your boy/girlfriend cheated on you?

You think about life and how you live it.

One night you told your best friend that s/he was treating you bad, and you regretted it. Because s/he started talking behind your back in a bad way. You told them that they were not there when you need them, they said they were. You told them they didn’t tell you what’s the bad and the good, they said they did. You told them they didn’t care for you, they said they did. And it got worse, they were never there for you when you were alone in your room, they were never there to talk to you when you got bullied, they were never there to listen to you when you had so much to say, they were never there for you when you cried yourself to sleep. They still say that it was your fault, they blame it on you. You wanted to stay friends and keep going, but they didn’t let you in anymore, they shut you out. You gave yourself a chance and moved on. You kept going forward and you reached your dream. They asked you for anothet chance to be together. These used to be your best friends. And they only used you, they only came to you when they needed something, you did your best to please them, but you told yourself not anymore. Friends are those who try to stay in your life no matter what happens, are those who have 99 reasons to leave you but they find 1 to stay.

How about your parents?

Have you ever felt like they never loved you? Do they know about your mental health? Do they know their little kid wants to die?

Your brain tries to eat you alive with these toxic thoughts. Have you ever tried to think positive about that? What is the thing that your parents hate about you? You might think that there are many reasons, but there are no specific reasons, honestly. I know, your parents aren’t the perfect parents that you want them to be, they don’t say the right things at the right times i know, they don’t have enough time for you sometimes i know, they make mistakes and make you feel like they hate you.

But trust me, those are the parents that anyone would ask for. Your parents have raised you to this day, they’re the parents that you would not be alive without, they are those people who have cared about you and always wished you the best, i don’t believe there are parents who want the bad for their kids.

Your teacher makes you feel worthless? Helpless? A failure?

I have the answers to these questions, i know they might’ve. But trust me, you are phenomenal. You are like a star that shines at it’s brightest, your smile, everything about you is perfect. You, you are amazing just the way you are.

I want you to stay strong, and keep fighting. People like you deserve the best, and all the happiness in the world. You have your own perfect image of everything, even your mind.

 

–a beautiful mess.